Here’s an e-mail I received from a concerned reader.
I am happy to say that I have found a man who speaks all five love languages
to me (words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and
quality time). I have one concern between us, and that is his desire for
an overabundance of sex. We have been seeing each other for two years
and recently we have touched on the subject of a more permanent relationship,
such as marriage. We are together four- to five nights in a row during
a given week and each time we are together it ends up with sex. I value
quality versus quantity. Twice I rejected his advances and when I do he
pouts and asks what has changed in our relationship. He wonders if I have
the desire to be with him. I have tried to explain the quantity versus
quality value and his response is that “every time we are together
it is deep and meaningful for him, and why not to me?”
At times I feel like
I am just going through the motions when I partake in sex. He believes
that, “If sex is an act that makes you feel good, why wouldn’t
you want it often?” He and I have open communication about this,
but we have different views. I wish I could get him to understand where
I am coming from, as I am fearful that this could cause resentment between
us in the long run. I don’t want to go to bed and feel guilty if
I don’t “put out”.
Sounds like this is going to be an ongoing problem. Could you get comfortable
with his pouting when you make the choice not to have sex, or figure out
a way to appreciate daily sex since it sounds like there are lots of other
positive qualities that make him a good partner?
Marriage is a compromise; therefore, why is it that I should “give
in”. I am looking for a balance. My fear is that he will expect
sex seven days a week after marriage, which I feel isn’t realistic.
I think three- to four times a week is healthy. I certainly get more enjoyment
from the experience when it’s not as frequent.
This is a tough issue because your boyfriend seems to meet all of your
needs, yet his desire for daily sex appears unreasonable considering you
have been honest and forthcoming about your feelings. He seemingly does
not want to accept your need for moderation. And, you clearly have indicated
that you are not going to have daily sex. I see no other choice but to
recommend a relationship counselor who can get to the root of this problem.
I suspect that sex meets an emotional need and feeds his sense of security.
Relationships do require
compromise, and yet my gut tells me that this is going to be a major power
struggle in your relationship, which will likely taint your ability to
get along and appreciate each other. I am afraid this issue around sex
may be a deal-breaker.
I have known women
who have made the choice to have daily sex. Some do it happily, and some
hold on to the resentment, which results in abstinence, which then exacerbates
Please take this issue
seriously! If you both won’t go to counseling, there is little chance
of this issue getting better on its own. If you marry him and don’t
comply with his wishes… I guarantee it will get ugly. -Carol the
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