Daily Sex?

Dear Readers,
Here’s an e-mail I received from a concerned reader.

Dear Coach,
I am happy to say that I have found a man who speaks all five love languages to me (words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and quality time). I have one concern between us, and that is his desire for an overabundance of sex. We have been seeing each other for two years and recently we have touched on the subject of a more permanent relationship, such as marriage. We are together four- to five nights in a row during a given week and each time we are together it ends up with sex. I value quality versus quantity. Twice I rejected his advances and when I do he pouts and asks what has changed in our relationship. He wonders if I have the desire to be with him. I have tried to explain the quantity versus quality value and his response is that “every time we are together it is deep and meaningful for him, and why not to me?”

At times I feel like I am just going through the motions when I partake in sex. He believes that, “If sex is an act that makes you feel good, why wouldn’t you want it often?” He and I have open communication about this, but we have different views. I wish I could get him to understand where I am coming from, as I am fearful that this could cause resentment between us in the long run. I don’t want to go to bed and feel guilty if I don’t “put out”.

Dear Concerned,
Sounds like this is going to be an ongoing problem. Could you get comfortable with his pouting when you make the choice not to have sex, or figure out a way to appreciate daily sex since it sounds like there are lots of other positive qualities that make him a good partner?

She replied:
Marriage is a compromise; therefore, why is it that I should “give in”. I am looking for a balance. My fear is that he will expect sex seven days a week after marriage, which I feel isn’t realistic. I think three- to four times a week is healthy. I certainly get more enjoyment from the experience when it’s not as frequent.

Dear Concerned,
This is a tough issue because your boyfriend seems to meet all of your needs, yet his desire for daily sex appears unreasonable considering you have been honest and forthcoming about your feelings. He seemingly does not want to accept your need for moderation. And, you clearly have indicated that you are not going to have daily sex. I see no other choice but to recommend a relationship counselor who can get to the root of this problem. I suspect that sex meets an emotional need and feeds his sense of security.

Relationships do require compromise, and yet my gut tells me that this is going to be a major power struggle in your relationship, which will likely taint your ability to get along and appreciate each other. I am afraid this issue around sex may be a deal-breaker.

I have known women who have made the choice to have daily sex. Some do it happily, and some hold on to the resentment, which results in abstinence, which then exacerbates the situation.

Please take this issue seriously! If you both won’t go to counseling, there is little chance of this issue getting better on its own. If you marry him and don’t comply with his wishes… I guarantee it will get ugly. -Carol the Coach

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