I am convinced that the true purpose of life is giving and receiving love. It matters not how much money you make, what kind of business you run, or where you live if you don’t have people to share your wealth.
Whenever you develop and nurture a relationship, there is a risk for loss. There will be times when you have no control over a person’s desire to leave the relationship. Instead, you will be left with deciding how you will handle the breakup and process the loss. As a result, the only power and control you have rests solely on how you choose to react to the loss.
Your past can make losing a relationship even more devastating. When you meet someone and develop an attraction for them you are usually relating to them because of unconscious needs you have had in your past with your family (especially your parents). Your unconscious is encouraging you to recreate the same types of relationships so that you can “do it right” as an adult.
For example, Mary floundered in her relationship with her parents growing up. Ordinally, she was number five in the birth order of six children. She had difficulty figuring out how she fit into her family. As she was developing her own sense of identity, her older sister died. As you can imagine, it shook up her family, their focus, and her identity. They weren’t there to meet her needs. To compensate, she developed a very self-sufficient identity on the outside, although inside she felt very needy and dependent. She craved the stability and security of being loved.
Now, fast-forward into the future…Mary is very attracted to strong, charismatic, rebellious men. Her unconscious need is to be loved, and yet she picks men who are unavailable because of unmet childhood needs.
Despite her poor choices, Mary is making progress! She is working on developing her own sense of security. When she goes through a loss she recognizes that it’s her choice as to how she will deal with it.
Since abandonment is her core issue, she must process these feelings in healthier ways. To do this, she tells herself that she wants her partner to be happy and that ultimately the greatest gift she can give herself is to allow him to leave without taking it as the “ultimate abandonment.” Her unconscious is telling her to hang on for dear life, but the healthier side of her is giving him permission to leave without the typical strings of guilt, manipulation and shame.
Because Mary is highly evolved, she recognizes that this loss represents:
A chance to get stronger and find a healthier partner in the future.
An opportunity to feel all the other losses in her life and acknowledge them.
A choice to let go with integrity.
A chance to detach with love.
An opening to look for someone who is ready to give her the love she desires
The recognition that she must develop a keen sense of self-love.
Mary’s work will be to find stability and security in a relationship, however until then she must look at loss as an opportunity for growth. . Mary will have to prioritize stability if she wants to find a secure relationship. I have no doubt that if Mary continues to work on her core needs; it will only be a matter of time before she finds the love she wants.
Love and loss go hand in hand at times. How would you rate your ability to deal with both?