Use Self Parenting To Help Heal the Wounds
Women grow up hoping that they will find the perfect person to help to complete them. Typically what they find is that they attract people into their life that duplicate their family of origin issues. They may have hoped that they would get at least some of their unmet needs from childhood met once they found their partner however they attract more of the same until they resolve old issues and get healthy. Children who grew up in abusive homes hoped for safety and security in their marriage. Children who didn’t get validated or shown enough approval hoped to find a spouse that could do this for them. Did you grow up with a critical, angry alcoholic parent and now have found that you are attracted to someone with some of these same characteristics? That is not unusual.
Your partner or boyfriend is not responsible for healing past wounds. If you want to work on rectifying your situation; you need to get healthier yourself so that you attract the more evolved person into your life.
Here’s how it works:
Spend a few minutes sitting in a comfortable chair thinking back on your parent-child relationship. When did you enjoy it the most? Identify what areas were lacking in your life. Was it attention? Validation? Approval? Affection? Write a short sentence or paragraph describing that unmet need. Include why that need is so important to you now. What will most likely come up for you is called a core issue. Unresolved core issues drive you to enter relationships whereby you can, as an adult, resolve the issue, heal the wound, and right the wrong. Our psyches are like compasses and they steer us in a direction for the partner that represents or symbolizes what we didn’t get in childhood.
How do you create an experience where you get what you need in a marriage with another person? The answer lies within healing the childhood wounds through self parenting. Most people get stuck in the relationship not knowing where to turn or how to get their needs met. They either fight with their spouse to be noticed, approved, validated, or loved, or they acquiesce and resign themselves to the fatal position that they are destined to feel unloved, invalidated, or disapproved. It is crucial to move beyond this stage, because if you don’t you will either separate emotionally from your marriage, or you will physically move out of it, resulting in a divorce.
Learn ways to take care of your own needs via the use of self-parenting. This is a process in which you learn how to give yourself what you didn’t get as a child and learn to meet your own needs.
Do you give too much because you’re looking for approval? It’s time to say no, and give to yourself Need affection and attention? Find a group of supportive women who will support you and fill some of the emptiness. Spend time boosting yourself up and reminding yourself of your strengths just like an ideal parent would. The key is to treat yourself gently and support yourself as if you were your own parent.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you “showed up” in your life feeling good about you and therefore you didn’t need so much from one person? Identify your needs and find ways to meet them and watch the transformation that occurs in your life.